


Spinning

by LadyBardock



Series: Darkness [16]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boss/Employee Relationship, Cheating, DARK DARK DARK, Detox, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugged Sex, F/M, Force-Feeding, Locked In, M/M, No ones dies - but they almost do, No real violance but the story is really dark, Psychotropic Drugs, Stardom, Toxic Relationship, ruining your life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:15:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6848530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBardock/pseuds/LadyBardock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili's world is spinning, his last years as a celebrity singer and actor were full of fun. He lost himself in the parties, sex, alcohol and drugs so much, he forgot that he almost lost the most important people in his life. </p>
<p>Driven to desperation his uncle Thorin and his husband Bilbo, made the most difficult decision in their lives - they decided to force Kili to detox. </p>
<p>The difficult job was given to a very dark and solemn bodyguard, who will do everything to fulfil his job. Fili had no doubt it would be a road through hell - but what Kili made him experience was more like a trip from hell to heaven...</p>
<p>I do promise a happy ending eventually.</p>
<p>(I promised not to write sad and deep stories after Dancing with Fate - and I failed to keep my promise. This is really dark, so for those who have no idea what detoxing is like and the psychology of drug abuse... it might be too difficult to read and understand. You can find a good documentary by National Geographic on YouTube called "San Francisco Meth Zombies", it gives you more or less the idea what it's like...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Sit down boy and listen!” Dwalin pointed to a high chair in his favourite bar.

“Did you find me a job?” Fili asked him slowly.

“I did, but you’re not really going to like it.” Dwalin ordered two beers.

“So what’s the catch?” Fili grimaced.

“It’s another star. This time a rock singer and actor.” Dwalin told him passing him one beer.

“I hate celebrities.” Fili grimaced even more.

“You’re going to hate this one even more... he’s the most spoilt and unpredictable star ever.” Dwalin hissed.

“Fuck it, no money is worth taking care of a spoilt brat again...” Fili nearly slammed the glass on the counter.

“Fifty.” Dwalin pointed out.

“Fifty a year? You’re fucking kidding.” Fili was even more spiteful.

“A month.” Dwalin was dead serious.

Fili went silent and gazed at his old friend and former commander. “Who the fuck would pay so much?”

“His family. They are growing desperate.” Dwalin pointed out.

“Dwalin fifty is way more than for a standard body guard job.” Fili growled.

“Who said it’s a standard job.” Dwalin sipped on his beer. “It’s more like a personal assistant, nanny type of job.”

“You’re joking?” Fili grimaced.

“Nope.” Dwalin continued his beer trying to find the right words. “He’s a lot to handle. He agreed to this only because he recently got into a lot of shit and his family threatened to send him to rehab.”

“Alcohol or drugs?” Fili growled.

“Both.” Dwalin did not even try to hide the truth. “Add to that sleeping around, crazy parties, clubs and all kind of shit you can image. And of course the standard body guard job, paparazzi, concerts and promotion crap.”

“What is expected of me?” Fili hissed.

“Assuming control of him, at any cost. The family would be really happy for less scandals, a bit of progress in rehab and simply make sure he doesn’t get into bigger shit than he usually does.” Dwalin explained.

“How can you assume control over someone who does not want to submit?” Fili was grim.

“That’s the tricky part.” Dwalin did not hide anything. “His uncle is my close friend, and that’s why I got word of this job, honestly if you won’t take it I will tell them to lock him up in rehab clinic. They desperately want him out of the headlines and in control. You can do anything to assume it.”

“I’m not sure the money is worth it...” Fili hissed.

“Name your price.” Dwalin told him slowly.

“One hundred, and I’ll make sure he doesn’t make a step out of line in public. If he likes it or not.” Fili bargained.

Dwalin just smiled, he knew Fili well. And Fili loved to be challenged. With his combat experience, strength and perseverance he was the only person for the job. His mental health, extreme inner strength were not something you learn being raised in a sane household. If anyone could break through the drugs it was him.

“I believe we have a deal.” Dwalin finally nodded, knowing that peace and quiet would come for Thorin at any price. He was billionaire after all, currently the richest man in the world.

\-----

Fili glanced at the pile of newspapers, he read every single piece of news about his new pet. And boy he hated every little word. The number of crazy stuff this boy did was beyond crazy. If he had known it was the craziest star in the world he would have never agreed. But now since it was his job... and the money would mean freedom he always wanted. Just a few months and he would buy out his grandfather’s old hunting cabin, and he would have enough to live on his own just like he always wanted.

He watched every single concert, later all the interviews he could find online. He even found a homemade short film in the porn department, but it was cut short. Soon he realised what was really the bother. All this black publicity actually drew attention from the music. The boy was a good actor, his music was great. But the media were focused on the black publicity. There was a lot of gossip about drugs, and one known film director declared that despite a great audition he would never work with someone so unstable. Many artists refused to work with him as well. So much so that it was hindering his whole career.

He still remembered Dwalin words. “Control at any cost. I will assume control over you my wild wild pet.” He smirked to himself. There was only one thing he wasn’t sure of, how he will react to having the cute boy in his life, but he was certain he will do his job.

\------

The news that we would have a new body guard, in the place of three people taking care of him, Kili had no idea what crazy idea came to his uncle’s mind. He needed his personal assistant, he needed his chef and he needed his driver. There was no way one person could take the job of three people, plus the duties of a body guard.

His head was spinning now constantly and he loved the feeling. He was flying, he was free and he was invincible. His life perfect and fun, just like he always wanted it to be. As the drugs were in his blood all the past problems were gone. As he drank the world became a beautiful place. And as it was all spinning, the music flowed in his veins.

As morning brought a new wave of nausea, he rushed to the bathroom to rid the contents of his stomach. He hated mornings the most, the sun shining in his room, when his assistant would forget the blinds. Mornings were evil. He felt gentle hands keep his head up.

“Wash your mouth and spit it out.” A deep voice he did not know gave him a glass of mouthwash. He intook a bit of it into his mouth and obediently spat it into the toilet.

“Get up.” The strong voice.

“Can you walk?” The voice asked, but Kili just shook his head. The strong arms lifted him with ease.

“Too bright...” He mumbled as he was carried into his living room.

“One minute.” The voice assured him. He was laid onto the comfortable sofa and soon the room was nice and dark.

“A painkiller for the headache.” The voice told him as a pill was pushed into his mouth and soon water was forced in.

“What was your last meal and when was that?” The voice asked him.

“I don’t know...” Kili had no idea why his voice was shivering. He honestly had no idea when and what he ate... or what he took that made the world spin more than normal. Soon he lost contact with reality again.

He woke up to the smell of herbal tea. A kind Bilbo often drank. As his consciousness slowly returned he was handed a cup. The strong hand forced him to drink.

“It will calm your stomach.” The voice told him. It was too dark to see the owner of the voice, and his mind was too lost to think.

As the cup was taken away, a fresh delicious smelling bun was pushed into his hand.

“Eat.” The voice demanded.

The smell was tempting, so he slowly ate a bit, only to eat more.

“Good boy.” Then he was praised. “Now drink a bit more.” The glass was pushed into his hands.

“I have to get up...” Kili mumbled remembering something about an interview. His manager was very persistent about it.

“Stay down.” The voice told him firmly.

“But I have an interview!” Kili tried to protest.

“You schedule is clear for the next few weeks.” The voice told him calmly, as Kili lost contact with reality yet again.

When Kili woke up again, it wasn’t as dark as before. The blinds were one third pulled up. He was covered with some kind of blanket.

“Do you still have a headache?” He voice asked but Kili could not focus enough to locate the person speaking to him.

“A bit...” He admitted.

“Still nauseas?” The voice asked gently.

“Not really...” He grimaced.

“Sit up.” Strong arms help him sit on the sofa, correcting the blanket.

“Open your mouth.” The voice ordered and soon a small soup with some liquid was pushed into Kili’s mouth.

“What is this?” Kili grimaced not really hungry.

“Soup, now eat up.” The voice did not leave any place for discussion and soon more spoonfuls were in his mouth.

Kili had no idea if it was day or night anymore. Somehow the last shit he took... made it all too hazy. His head was swirling again, but at least he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore.

“Do you have idea what you took?” The voice half asked and half scolded him.

“I don’t know...” Kili rested in the warm embrace carrying him back to bed.

When he woke up again, he had no idea if it was day or night, morning or evening. The blinds were down.

Soon the same warm arms helped him up and handed him another glass of water and a painkiller.

“Where is my phone?” Kili demanded expecting his order to be fulfilled as always.

“Don’t you worry about it... worry about getting better.” The voice scolded him.

“I need to call my friends!” Kili pouted angrily.

“The same friends who watched you take that new drug and did not help you?” The voice mocked him. “They dropped you off here for the dead... not even making sure you had someone to take care of you...”

“It’s none of your fucking business!” Kili was really angry.

“You’re wrong my pet... everything about you is my fucking business now.” The voice was as strong as his uncle’s. “And my job is to take sure you don’t die on my shift.”

“I know my rights! I want my phone!” Kili yelled.

“And what will you do if I won’t give it to you?” The voice mocked.

“I’ll fire you!” Kili spat angrily.

“You’re not the one paying me.” The voice mocked him.

“You can’t keep me like this!” Kili using his last strength got up, in a huge frenzy he began searching his bedroom for his phone. He ran around crazily, throwing everything upside down, later he rushed to the front door only to find it locked. He crouched on the floor feeling defeated.

“All the locks have been changed, all your drugs, alcohol and forms of communicating with the outside world have been removed. The windows have been reinforced and locked permanently. You will not find any sharp weapon in here as well.” The voice calmly informed him.

“You cannot keep me in here like this...” Kili pulled his legs to his chest and began shaking.

Soon the warm arms went around and lifted him gently, only to carry him back to bed.

“You can’t do this...” Kili broke down.

“Learn to behave and then we’ll talk.” The voice scolded him. “But first get better.”

“I need to take...” Kili was shaking frantically.

“Ice?” The voice proposed.

“Ice would be great...” Kili admitted laying down. Soon he felt a gentle shot in his arm.

“I want more...” He whined not feeling his head spin as it should.

“It will be enough.” The voice left no place for discussion, as Kili drifted away.

He was flying up high again, the music sounding in his ears. He could see a beautiful rainbow of sounds. It was so beautiful... but something was missing. His whole body was tingling impatiently. His whole body out of control. The dose was lower than he normally did, but it still worked. He could feel he waves of excitement push him around.

He needed more... not meth, but touch. As the rush was hitting him, he needed more... His own hands never enough... Then he felt the strong hands ease his pain. He was trembling with joy as those fingers helped him grip harder and pump a steady rhythm. He wished for more... but it was still beautiful. As his spasms were slowly dying down he heard gentle words. “Sleep now pet...” And his eyes closed.

Next day he woke up again, but he felt only a bit better.

“Toilet?” The warm voice gently proposed. Kili nodded sleepily, and was carried to the bathroom. Strong arms helped him use the toilet and later he was gently placed in the warm bath. Despite the warm water he suddenly felt very cold.

The strong hands gently washed his hair, rinsed his head and later he was pulled out and dried with a clean towel. Soon the hands helped him get dressed.

“Let’s try to give you some breakfast.” The voice told him, as the strong arms lifted him again.


	2. Chapter 2

When Fili took this job he never envisioned what in reality he had to do. He wondered how his family did not notice the severe addiction, but when he read the research on meth he realised it was enough to take one dose to be an addict. A few doses later you were a goner. After a long fight with Dwalin, he decided to lock him in. Isolate him from any potential source of drugs and control him 24/7. What he found in the flat was disturbing, his staff was stealing from him, filming him and supplying him with drugs. The drugs were a high mixture of three types of drugs, far too strong for anyone to take, meaning they were trying to manipulate him by drugging him. Dwalin got the difficult task of dealing with all the evidence he gave him.

It was hard, the first few day he was unconscious and only checking his vitals regularly eased Fili’s fear. Later it was a rollercoaster. Mood swings, waking up, throwing up, forcing him to eat and drink something normal.

The evenings were the worst. After psychotic episodes, anger tantrums or depression periods, he would administer a low dose of the drug. Making sure the boy was fine. Helping him to the toilet and easing him physically. The days when he became aroused from the drug were the hardest to deal with. He would demand sex, and Fili knew it was all the drug. So he tried to ease his physical tension without really having sex.

He sent through Dwalin blood samples for HIV testing, and he made sure to lower the dose of drugs gradually. The boy would sleep most of the time, and later refuse to eat. Like any typical meth addict.

The last day he gave the last tiny dose, nothing could prepare him for what would come. Five days of hell. Crying, tantrums, aggressions, from docile to getting an ADD attack any minute.

The first detox phase was the worst. But the second wasn’t good either. He became very demanding, threatening, crazed. He was so stubborn and self confident. Talking about how Fili ruined his music, how he ruined his life.

Twelve weeks from starting his job, and seven from the second detox phase, Fili finally had a chance to have a normal conversation with his charge.

The boy glared at him angrily, still pissed he was forced to detox, but he was conscious for the first time in weeks.

“You ruined my life!” He was angry as hell.

“You ruined your life by yourself.” Fili began showing him the headlines of all the crazy things he did while on drugs.

“It’s all bullshit...” The boy growled. “I would never...”

“But you did.” Fili cut his doubts.

“I don’t believe it...” His burden breathed in deeply.

“If you don’t believe that... maybe this will open your eyes.” Fili turned on the TV and first showed him the interview with the film director about the cast, why he rejected the boy, and later the film itself.

“Tell me, do you think you could have acted in this film still taking meth daily?” Fili asked him.

He was sitting there grim as hell.

“It could have been your name nominated for the Oscar.” Fili made him realise. “If not for the second  meeting with the director, when you were so high you did not remember the title of the film or any line from the role.”

“You’re the cruellest person in the world!” The boy broke down and cried.

“No, I’m not.” Fili told him gently. “You want to see cruel? You want to hear cruel?”

Fili played him all the things filmed about him before his detox. Interviews, people talking about him, news reports about his behaviour, and later film stars and singers black talking about him.

“You did all this to yourself.” Fili pointed out. “The question is, what are you going to do now?”

“What do you fucking mean?” The boy threw a pillow at him.

“I mean, you have two options. Either you go back to the path you were on before, and eventually ruin your whole career and die. Or you fight with the drugs still flowing in your blood, and you finally become free of it all. Take control of your life.” Fili gently told him.

“You’re in control of my whole fucking life!” The boy spat back.

“I’m your only true friend. I’m the only one who could help you. You can either take my advice and let me help you, or you can rot.” Fili growled a bit annoyed this person had so much trouble seeing reality.

“You’re not my friend! My friends would never lock me in! They would never force me to anything! They would not hurt me showing me all this confabulated bullshit!” The boy spat at him with so much spite Fili wanted to punch him.

“Those who you called friends gave you drugs and ruined a big part of your career!” Fili made him realise. “When was the last time you played your music?”

“I love music! I do music everyday!” Kili cried desperately.

“Funny... I haven’t heard you sing or play ever since I moved in here to take care of you.” Fili said his last words. “Tell me, how desperate your family had become to actually consent to me doing this to you?”

“What?” The boy glared at him.

“Your family organized this therapy for you.” Fili pointed out.

The boy was in shock, as if his whole world broke down. He got up and ran to his bedroom and slammed the door, and Fili could hear the desperate crying from the other side.

“I’m on your side. I’m going to help you, if you like it or not. Because that’s what real friends do.” Fili told him through the door.

Fili sat on the sofa in the living room and waited but deep inside he knew he won the first round. His pet did not break anything for once, did not throw things or try to hurt him or himself. After a longer while he walked back into the living room on shacking legs.

“Could I watch the film again?” The boy asked.

“If you want.” Fili patted the sofa right next to him and set the DVD.

He wasn’t really surprised when the boy leaned into him in the middle of the film fighting with tears and seeking comfort. The first step to coming back to life was made.

\------

The second step happened not long afterwards. Fili was cooking lunch, when he heard the first shy sounds of the guitar, that was so far forgotten in the corner of the living room.

As he was boiling the pasta, it wasn’t just shy strokes of strings. It was music. He just smiled and continued cooking.


	3. Chapter 3

It did not go simply better. There were long fights still, lingering to break out. About anything really. His pet was getting tired of being locked in, tired of detox. He was becoming more and more demanding.

“Sit down for once and tell me what’s wrong!” Fili told him firmly.

“I want my drugs!” The boy demanded.

“You’re not getting any drugs...” Fili’s voice was dry and firm. “It has been a very difficult fifteen weeks, do you think I’ll let you waste it all just for a whim?”

“Fifteen weeks?” The boy sat there shocked.

“Fifteen weeks... of being your mother, father, nanny, cook and maid. I’m not giving you any fucking drugs just to change your pissed sheets again, to watch you throw your stomach inside out and to see you half dead again!” Fili let all his anger come out, knowing the boy had to realise just what kind of trouble it was to take care of him. The boy went silent and glared at him with realisation.

“I’m not a fucking drug addict.” He spat with anger.

“Who just demanded more drugs?” Fili pointed out.

The boy just looked down in shame. But he was showing normal emotions for once.

“You don’t understand I need them...” The boy tried to explain.

“What do you need them for?” Fili gently asked, and watched as the boy was playing with his t-shirt desperately.

“Without them I don’t hear the music...” The complained finally. “Without them I feel no pleasure... or joy.”

“You’re detoxing, it’s natural that you feel lost now. It’s normal that life feels a bit more dull than when you’re high.” Fili told him gently. “In reality nothing has changed, your brain just needs the right stimulation.”

“What do you mean?” The boy growled.

“I can promise you one thing... once this is all over, when you’ll be clean, everything will go back to normal. The food will taste like it always did, the music will be there and the joy will be there as well...” He told him with a smile.

“You don’t understand...” The boy grimaced. “I want sex now! Not next year! And my whole fucking body feels different!”

“Meth influences sex a lot.” Fili admitted gently. “But with the right person, in the right mood, you will find pleasure.”

“I want sex now...” The boy whined pathetically.

“You’re not going out to any club or party so you can find both sex and meth.” Fili told him firmly.

The boy looked down dejectedly.

“You don’t understand!” The boy spat at him.

“I do.” Fili replied calmly. “Do you think sitting here and nannying you is fun?” Sexually satisfying? Do you think it’s even nice?”

The boy glared at him. “Then let me go... no one will know... let me go for one night...”  He begged.

“I will know.” Fili replied. “And though you will forget after taking meth, I will remember.”

“You’re the most stubborn and cruel person in the world!” The boy noticed angrily.

“We can come back to that topic in half a year.” Fili said calmly.

“Half a year?” The boy yelped.

“Or more... it all depends how long your full detox will take.” Fili made him realise. “Once we’re done with this phase, we could go out and do things. You might be able to go back to the studio to record all those songs you’re writing now.”

“Will I ever be rid of you?” The boy growled angrily.

“Only when all this will end.” Fili told him. “The day when I’m sure you will not be tempted even one bit to take any drugs. And even then I’ll still stay around as your body guard.”

“The moment I talk to my uncle he’ll fire you!” The boy hissed.

Fili just laughed. “Do so!”

“What’s so funny?” He growled again.

“You’re uncle is up to date with all this.” Fili just shrugged.

The boy just began shaking, half from despair and half from fury. But when he glared at Fili, suddenly he just broke down. A stream of tears flowing down his cheeks.

Fili gently embraced him, pulling him into his lap.

“Will it ever be better?” The boy sobbed.

“It will. I promise you it will.” Fili held him tightly gently swinging him in his arms like a child.

It took a long time for the sobs to calm down, when they did Fili decided to make a peace offering.

“I was wondering... I think it’s time to buy you a new bed.” Fili gently told him.

“Why?” The boy looked at him surprised.

“Since you’re not peeing in bed anymore, we should just get a new one and throw that dreadful thing away...” Fili told him slowly.

“I never peed in the bed... I like it, why change it?” The boy asked firmly.

“Come and see for yourself.” Fili easily lifted him. Now he was much heavier than at the start, but not too heavy for Fili. Still not heavy enough, his form emaciated a bit.

“See what?” The boy hissed.

Fili set him down and began taking off the sheets.

“When I came here... you were lying in your own excrements... on sheets not changed for a long time.” Fili told him in a gentle tone.

“But Mandy was still my assistant back then she did stuff like that!” Kili growled.

“And you did not notice when she stopped because you were taking too much meth.” Fili pointed out, as the layers were being taken off, the stains on the mattress could be seen.

“You’re saying she was using me?” The boy finally added the facts. “But she was my best friend!”

“She and your driver made sure you were never short on meth and alcohol. But she was too busy fucking him to do her job in the last weeks.” Fili told him facts.

“Where is she now?” The boy was shocked.

“In jail.” Fili told him without emotion. “The whole apartment was filled with hidden cameras, they wanted to make a fortune selling a film about your tragic end. Your uncle and Mr. Fundin handled it.”

The boy stared in terror at the bed. “Where is the film?”

“Deleted.” Fili told him. “We removed everything they planted and checked the whole apartment several times.”

“Did you watch it?” The unexpected question startled Fili a bit.

“Yes.” He did not elaborate.

“I can’t sleep here!” The boy with anger flipped the mattress only to see the other side even more stained.

“You won’t.” Fili told him gently, he gently lifted him and carried him to his own bedroom.

“Why are you doing so much for me?” The sudden question surprised Fili yet again.

“I normal just work as a body guard, but well I have experience with things like this as well.” Fili did not go into details, especially those concerning how he had to watch his own mother die. “So Dwalin talked me into this.”

“Why did you stay? Even after all the shit?” The boy was crying again.

“Because if I won’t help you, no one can.” Fili answered as simple as possible. The boy went silent, but he clung to Fili with force just to finally fall asleep in his arms.

\-----

After a while a few very long conversations, some more hard news to swallow, Fili felt as if they were finally making progress. There was only one problem, after the mattress incident, he refused to sleep alone in that room. Spending all nights in Fili’s bed, tightly embraced in his arms. The physical comfort giving more than any conversation. As if the tight embrace really was healing his soul.

“We came to a crossroads.” Fili told him finally.

“What do you mean?” The boy shivered.

“I mean, it’s time for your final test.” Fili told him calmly.

“And then what?” The boy gazed at him.

“Then we will begin going out.” Fili told him with a light smile.

“Really?” The boy had a light in his eyes. “I could see my friends and my family?”

“On reasonable terms – yes.” Fili agreed. “Actually I was thinking of inviting someone from your family, once you get half way through this test.”

“How long will this test last?” The boy asked suspiciously.

“Four weeks.” Fili replied.

“Another fucking month?” He hissed angrily.

“This will be your hardest test ever.” Fili told him, and pulled out something from his pocket.

He unwrapped it and placed it out in the open, right in front of the TV.

“What’s that?” The boy asked in a shaking voice.

“A nice pure dose.” Fili just said.

Just seeing the needle made the boy shiver, his eyes shine.

“What kind of test it this?” He squeaked.

“Four weeks. You cannot touch it or use it.” Fili told him. “If you fail this task, we’ll go back to where we started. Back to pissing your bed, back to people using you. Back to detox and all the way through hell again.”

“Why are you doing this?” The boy was shivering desperately. “Why would you tempt me so badly?”

“Because you are the one who will have to stand temptation out in the open world. You need to want to change to really get rid of the evil.” Fili answered. “Pass this test, and I will give you more freedom. Not to take drugs or drink, but to live. Because being locked up in here is not really a life, is it?”

The boy just shook his head, but his eyes returned to the syringe left in plain sight.

“You’re not fighting with me anymore, you’re fighting with yourself. This fight is not about me, it’s about you. Your life is on the line. You just have to refuse the meth.” Fili gently embraced him seeing the tears shine in his eyes.

“I’m not sure if I’m strong enough.” He whispered in terror.

“I believe you are.” Fili calmly replied, they spent all evening glaring at the threatening syringe.


	4. Chapter 4

Kili’s first good glance at his caretaker was a few days when his head finally stopped spinning. He was breathtaking. The strong blue eyes, piercing you and dictating everything. As strong as Uncle Thorin’s. He had a bun of messy blond hair, but it looked like sunshine and he just wanted to set the hair lose and play with the tresses. The blond was so strong, when he carried him Kili could feel the hard tough muscles. It was so arousing to be next to someone so charming.

What happened later could only be called hell. Detox was hell. He had little control of his body, little control of what was going on, and it irritated him more than anything. He was forced to eat, he was forced to bathe, he was forced to think about things he’d rather not. When the last dose of drug was out of his system, it all went crazy. He felt so lost and so insane at the same time. Everything irritated him. He wanted freedom. He wanted to go out and dance his heart out in any club and drink till he drops.

He was mad that this stunning person locked him in. He wanted to go out so desperately. He wanted his drugs... he wanted to be free.

And this person whose name he did not know ruled his life now. He felt so helpless.

And later when he though he hit rock bottom, it went even worse. Everything was cruel, all those things he had to hear, read about or watch on TV. Things he would rather forget. Things he would not want to do. He was taunted, provoked, poke in the eye. This person was pushing him beyond what he could handle.

The mattress was the end of the line. He was so ashamed. And the shame made him feel vulnerable. This blond knew about him the worst things in the world. He saw the film made by that bitch, he saw the mattress. Somewhere in the middle of night when he woke up in the strong arms he realised this person actually had to clean up, wash him and change his sheets when he was still at his worst.

He was wrong there was one thing worst and more cruel. Kili was shacking every time he saw the syringe. It was so cruel. The first two days he could not sleep, thinking only of the syringe. It was his obsession. As he woke up yet again thinking of only getting to the syringe. He had to pass this test. He wanted to see Bilbo and the kids. He dreaded meeting Thorin. His uncle was up to date, it meant he knew. And there was no one Kili feared more than his uncle. Disappointing him would the biggest failure in his life, and realising it was uncle who found this person to get him back on track meant he knew...

Sleeping in his arms was the only good thing in his life now. The warmth of the smooth skin soothed him. The blond was so fucking gorgeous, and what he did for him was more than anyone else ever, and despite the bitterness biting in from time to time deep inside he knew the blond was trying to help him.

He loved his eyes, even when they showed anger. Those eyes made Kili want to fight. He wanted to fight for him. He had no idea when it all stopped being what it should be. His sex starved body was taking the stress badly.

The syringe still on his mind... He could close his eyes and feel the typical rush like after meth. A huge sexual passion unlike anything else. And as he traced those firm muscles with his fingers he wanted him so badly. His crazed head still remembered as those strong fingers relieved him a few time at the beginning when he was still on meth. And just the hazy memory was enough to make him stone hard.

“Do you want something to make you sleep?” The blond asked worried.

“Maybe...” Kili growled. “Depends what you want to give me.” He couldn’t just stop himself from taunting.

“Just a standard pill.” The blond grunted.

“I don’t want a pill.” He grunted.

“What do you want then? A glass of milk with honey?” The blond told him.

“Nope...” Kili hid his red face in his shoulder. “I want sex...” He confessed.

“Well, I can’t really help you with that, and I’m not letting you out to go party...” The blond growled.

“Just help me...” Kili begged in a breaking voice.

“You’re that desperate that you’d fuck a guy?” The blond laughed.

“I’m bisexual.” Kili confessed.

The blond just laughed, and the feeling of his chest moving was liberating.

“Please... just fuck me...” Kili begged humping gently against the blond.

“You are that desperate!” The blond just laughed more. “As much as I understand this is a natural part of the detox, you’re asking a bit too much...”

The rejection hurt badly. Kili never had that before, everyone wanted to fuck him. Some for his money, some for his stardom, but most because they wanted his body. No one ever rejected him, and something crazy in Kili dictated that there was no way the only person he was crazily attracted to, would not feel anything for him.

Love was something he didn’t have in his life, so the strange mixture of longing, tenderness and sexual needs Kili interpreted as his detox kicking in. But he needed sex, his whole body going crazy.

He decided to play it all on one card, he quickly sat on his lap and without a warning he pressed his lips into those beautiful lips he kept staring at during the day. His whole body was starved, but sitting as he was now, it was evident he wasn’t the only one sex deprived. The reaction of the blond’s body was unmistakable.

“You’re playing with fire...” The blond growled as the kiss stopped.

“I love fire...” Kili ground against the cock under him with zeal. “Fuck me please...”

“You’re too much sometimes...” The blond tried to push him off.

“Don’t pretend you don’t want this... I need this... I want this so badly... You helped me at the beginning, so please... just fuck me...” Kili begged. “I want you...”

Those last words finally did the trick, before Kili could say anything his back was on the mattress, and those strong fingers gently traced his long legs.

“Are you sure you know how this works?” The blond rasped sensually.

“I’ve done it before.” Kili taunted.

“I bet you have...” The blond’s mocking tone turned on Kili even more.

As their clothes slowly landed on the floor and it was two lustful bodies grinding, Kili rasped as he felt the strong cock nudge his stomach. When he felt those fingers he loved so much gently trace his ass, and later slide in just to stretch him with skill, Kili arched with delight.

“You lustful little pet...” The blond’s coarse voice clearly indicated he wanted it as well.

And to Kili’s delight he finally felt him take him. The strong body over him was driving him insane with lust, he wrapped his leg around his hips just to bring them closer.

“I want more...” He demanded.

The blond’s smile nearly made him cum. He wasn’t prepared to see dimples and such a happy glare. “If this will keep you mind off forbidden things, I can promise you’ll get more...” The blond smirked as he pushed in as far as possible making Kili moan.

“That would be a dream come true...” Kili rasped as the strong move were finally keeping his mind only on the blond, only on sex.

It was so good to finally have him, he feel his beautiful body, to have a taste of his lips. It was all a dream come true. And as they lay together stained with cum, Kili felt happy for a change.


	5. Chapter 5

Bilbo had no idea what to expect, but after a long discussion he and Thorin decided it was better that he visited Kili. The e-mail Thorin got asked for someone warm and understanding. Bilbo read it like ten times memorizing the guidelines. He could be blunt and honest, but warm at the same time. Something Thorin never could do. Kili’s guardian asked for honesty as well, stressing it is very important for Kili to understand why he himself pushed the family away. It hurt, all the memories hurt a lot, Kili a boy he loved and help raise, did horrible things. And Thorin took the toll, he hid, he bribed to keep some of the events from the press. He hid things from Bilbo, keeping the huge burden on his shoulders, sheltering his husband and kids. When Thorin had his heart attack after what happened to their three boys, Bilbo blamed himself for not acting earlier. For not noticing things went too far. Losing Thorin would kill him.

Kili did horrible things, but Bilbo still loved him. He still remembered the cheerful hyperactive ten year old, from the time when he met Thorin. He helped raise him through the difficult teenage years, being a soft contrast to the demanding Thorin. Thorin was utterly disappointed when Kili at the age of eighteen dropped school just to do music and acting. His anger changed a bit after the huge success their boy achieved, but later...

He knocked on the door and heard it slowly open.

“Bilbo?” Kili on the other side was a Kili he had never seen. Slimmer than ever, pale and agitated.

“Kili!” Bilbo gently embraced him.

“Please come in and sit down, I’ll make some tea.” A calm voice added.

Bilbo sat down and gazed at Kili. He could see the fear and worry on his face, after his eyes ventured towards the TV, and Bilbo noticed the syringe left in plain sight. He was puzzled for a moment, but the greedy way Kili’s eyes looked for a moment made him realise it was a test.

“How are you feeling?” He asked gently.

“Better.” Kili looked at him slowly.

“Do you understand why we had to do this?” Bilbo asked him, Kili just nodded.

“I lost control...” Kili whispered after a longer moment.

Fili walked back in and placed the tea and cookies on the table. He sat on the sofa near Kili and Bilbo for the first time had a closer look. The blond was really handsome and there was huge strength in his eyes.

“How are the kids?” Kili suddenly asked.

“Better.” Bilbo slowly told him.

Kili looked really puzzled. And Bilbo remembered a line from the e-mail. ‘He will not remember many events, it’s a typical side effect of taking meth.’

“Do you remember what happened?” Fili asked slowly guiding the conversation.

Kili just shook his head.

Bilbo inhaled. This was his worst nightmare. To talk about what happened. “It was half a year ago. You come home for Easter like always. But you weren’t yourself. We knew you were high when you came, but we were happy you did. You were too busy to come home for almost two years so it was important to us.” Bilbo spoke in a gentle tone. “But now I wish you did not come that day.”

Kili gazed at him not understanding and there was pain in his eyes.

“You had pills in your jacket, and the boys thought it was some kind of candy. We barely saved them. I almost lost my husband at the same time.” Bilbo spoke with tears in his eyes and pain in his voice.

“What happened to uncle?” Kili’s voice was full of terror.

“When it turned out the boys took ecstasy and they might not make it, he had a heart attack.” Bilbo let go and cried.

Kili looked at him lost. Utterly completely lost. The boys... his biggest joy. He loved them. And uncle, the only real parent he had all his life... Realization nearly killed him.

Fili saw the wave of emotion on Kili’s face. The horror of realization. This was bigger than the mattress incident, bigger than the interviews, losing the role and being filmed without his knowledge. His actions nearly led to four deaths in the closest family.

“Why didn’t you report him?” Fili asked grasping a tiny hope to make Kili realise his family protected him even then.

“I just couldn’t...” Bilbo cried in pain. “As much as I love the boys, and as much as I love Thorin... You’re also my son.”

“Bilbo?” Kili’s voice was vibrating with the strong emotions shaking his body. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry I forgot...” He cried and cried. “I never wanted to hurt anyone...”

Fili gently pushed him to reach out to the crying man, and soon Kili was in Bilbo’s tight embrace, both crying from all the pain.

Fili calmly got up and began cooking lunch, he knew it would take some time for both of them to calm down. When he came back, the man was still embracing Kili, but he was whispering words of support and love.

“We had to help you... but you kept refusing therapy... I’m sorry we did this against your will.... but we had no choice...” Bilbo asked for forgiveness.

“This is just so difficult...” Kili cried, but he did not say anything bad about the person taking care of him. “Hearing about all the things I did... It’s killing me inside...”

“It kills us that you’re going through hell. We love you... and we always wished for you to have a happy life... your career... everything could have been lost because of your drugs... We almost lost Frodo, Merry and Pip... and Thorin...” The man told him emotionally. “So please just stop.”

“You have no idea how difficult it is... now that this thing is out and I can see it... I keep thinking I could reach it and take it... It’s on my mind constantly... I can’t sleep or focus on music...” Kili spoke emotionally.

“But if you pass this test you’ll finally be able to live.” Fili gently told him.

“If you’re clean, you could come and visit us... play with the kids...” Bilbo told him quickly. “We would be there to support you even more... just leave the drugs in the past.”

“I’d love that...” Kili admitted.

“Would you love some carbonara?” Fili asked pushing the food at them.

Kili gazed at the dish, and suddenly he felt hungry so he just nodded.

“Delicious!” Bilbo praised the food with a light smile.

“You’re right Bilbo.” Kili admitted and engulfed his plate.

“I’m glad you like it.” Fili just smiled and pushed some more food onto Kili’s plate, glad to see him really eat.

“Are you going to come back?” Kili asked Bilbo desperately as they made their way to the door.

“Yes, I’m always going to be there for you.” Bilbo kissed his cheek gently. “Take good care of yourself, eat a bit more and stop thinking of those dreadful things that almost ruined our family.”

“You’re the best!” Kili had tears again in his eyes as he embraced Bilbo one last time.

Later Fili set a film, but Kili wasn’t watching. He made his way into Fili’s arms just to cry. So Fili let him. He hoped that the tears will wash away the sorrow.

\------

“How is he doing?” Thorin asked Bilbo when he finally came home. He saw that the visit shook Bilbo more than he wanted, but there some kind of hope in his eyes.

“Not sure how to describe it. He’s lost. He doesn’t remember what happened and it’s like he’s broken.” Bilbo told him gently. “But he’s clean, and he’s fighting.”

“That’s good...” Thorin grimaced. “Is he mad at us for what we did?”

“I wouldn’t call it mad, it’s more like he’s defeated.” Bilbo confessed. “Whatever he did to him, Kili has realised all his mistakes and he’s fighting with the addiction.”

“It was bad.” Thorin growled. He could read between the lines in the email, and he read a lot of information about drug detox. He admired what kind of endurance was needed to actually pull someone out of severe addiction, fighting half of the way with someone as stubborn and strong headed as Kili. Kili their pride and joy, his beloved nephew was spoiled rotten. Watching a documentary about meth addiction made him realise what Kili was dealing with was worse than any other type of addiction.

“I wish we could do more.” Bilbo wrapped his arms around him.

“We did all we could.” Thorin embraced him back.

“I hope he’ll be better with time.” Bilbo sough his warmth. “Where did you find someone to deal with it?”

“He’s Dwalin’s friend from the army. An Iraq veteran.” Thorin told him. “Dwalin said that he might be a bit demanding and strong, but he’ll get it done.”

“I wonder where he learnt such skills.” Bilbo wondered.

“I’d rather not know.” Thorin was honest.

“I want to visit him regularly, so set up a next meeting.” Bilbo asked. “He needs us now more than ever.”

“I’m not sure I can see him just yet...” Thorin inhaled deeply.

“And I think you should.” Bilbo added.


	6. Chapter 6

As the end of the three week was approaching Fili knew Kili was more determined than ever. His step father Bilbo was going to visit again, so he decided to give Kili a chance.

“I need to get some shopping done.” Fili suddenly told him.

“Shopping?” Kili was stunned, so far the blond never left him alone not even for a minute. The shopping ordered home twice a week.

“Let’s get you dressed.” Fili smiled and Kili though his legs would fail him. The last weeks he was so determined to go out, to free himself, but now the idea of going out was terrifying. He feared the world and people, he feared the temptations and dangers. Remembering all the mistakes he made, all the horrible shaming things...

The blond gently reached out and guided him to the huge wardrobe.

Soon Kili had a clean pair of jeans in his hands. As he slowly put them off, dropping the sweatpants, it felt strange. Later he got a t-shirt.

“Don’t be scared, I’m going to be with you.” The blond gently told him. “We’re going to a typical supermarket, and buying a few things, and tomorrow morning you’re going to help me cook.”

“Cook?” Kili was even more stunned. “And then we are coming back home?”

“Yes.” The blond nodded. “Are you ready?”

“No... but does that matter?” Kili grimaced.

“It’s a first step.” Fili held his hand and unlocked the front door.

Kili was shacking, the first step most difficult. Later he had a huge anxiety attack as they got into the underground parking. They didn’t take his posh sports car, still parked in its spot. Instead they took a jeep.

Kili had a strange feeling that everyone was looking at him, that everyone was out there to get him. The feeling went even worse when they parked the car in the parking. It was pretty empty, most people still at work.

Fili guided him in, and after taking a cart, he gave Kili small jobs like ‘get this’ and ‘get that...’ Kili obediently got the things, always keeping his eyes on Fili making sure he was doing everything correctly. Soon the list was crossed out all ways, the cart half full, Fili pushed last few things spontaneously and they made it back to the car unrecognised.

They sat back and drove home. Into the parking unrecognised.

“Did the world collapse just because we went out?” Fili asked him with a grin.

Kili just shook his head.

“So maybe we could do some more shopping next week?” Fili asked him gently.

Kili slowly nodded.

“Good... let’s unpack and carry all this to the elevator.” Fili kissed him gently giving him reassurance.

That night Kili snuggled with insistence into his arms. “I’m scared...”

“You shouldn’t be...” Fili kissed his forehead. “When we go out I’ll always be right next to you...”

“What if someone recognises me? Paparazzi?” Kili was desperate.

“You never worried about that before...” Fili pointed out.

“I never screwed up my whole life before... I lost the movie, I lost my career...” Kili was desperate. “I almost killed the people I love most...”

“You cannot change the past, but you can yourself... try to make to your family...” Fili continued building him up. “Fight with the temptation, and win.”

“What good is that going to do?” Kili began crying.

“Later we’ll focus on rebuilding your career. Look at Mickey Rourke, Robert Downey Jr or Marlon Brando. All of them screwed up, failed and landed on the bottom.  And later came back. You’ve been playing a lot of music the last weeks, and most of it is really good.” Fili smiled.

“Most of those stupid songs I wrote to make you angry.” Kili confessed. Most of the songs were full of desperation and anger. He attacked the world, and he saw the blond’s face in front of him.

“I really like them.” Fili told him. “After a few weeks we can talk with your manager and get you to a studio.”

“But would mean going out everyday...” Kili was terrified.

“And I’ll be with you every step of the way... and if you decide to do a tour, I’ll come with you.” Fili told him.

Kili trembled in his arms. “I won’t be able to do it without you...” He confessed with pain.

“Not true... with time you’ll learn to stand on your own again.” Fili told him with confidence. He was a bit worried with how much that would hurt, but deep down he knew this would end one day. It was suppose to just be a job, but it was so much more... It was difficult, but as he was detoxing Fili realised he drowned in those deep dark eyes. He loved the sound of the guitar in the morning and the warm voice sing on. He loved those taunting provocative songs. He loved those long legs embracing his hips, as he demanded now sex in the place of drugs. Fili could give him all the sex he wanted, but deep down his heart was already bleeding thinking of leaving him one day. No job lasted forever.

“You’ll help me with that?” Kili lifted himself a bit to look into his eyes.

“Yes, I will...” Fili admitted, and was rewarded with a strong sensual kiss.

“Promise you’ll never leave me...” Kili snuggled into his neck demanding more love.

“I’ll be around as long as you need me or want me to be there.” Fili replied calmly. But deep down he knew it would come to an end one day.

\------

In the morning Kili put on an apron and looked around the kitchen. He slowly mixed the ingredients.

“What are you making?” Fili’s voice made him raise his eyes.

“If Bilbo is coming we need a cake.” Kili pointed out and continued working.

“Good idea.” Fili praised him and began work on other components of the lunch. “Did Bilbo teach you to cook?” He asked gently.

“My uncle did. Bilbo loves cooking and food, but the real master of the kitchen was my uncle. He could make the most amazing dish in a flash. We used to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. What about you?” Kili asked slowly. It took him Bilbo’s comment about food to actually make him realise that the blond cooked extremely well.

“My mom.” Fili replied slowly. “She was amazing in the kitchen.”

“What does she do?” Kili asked curiously feeling that this normal conversation was cleansing.

“She’s dead.” Fili did not elaborate.

“So is mine... I can barely remember her now...” Kili grimaced and added some chocolate. “Life is just so fucked up...”

“Look who’s talking!” Fili laughed.

Kili feeling really adventurous sprayed some flour on the laughing blond, just to land in his arms being giggled vigorously. From tickling they went to tender kissing, and when it wasn’t enough he tugged on the blond’s jeans. He was happy when the blond lifted him to the counter and took off his jeans just to push in and fuck him senselessly. The pressure of the strong body, the warmth and the smiles were everything Kili needed in his life. As he rested his head on the blond’s shoulder he felt happy beyond measure.

“My cake!” Kili squeaked and rushed to the pan. He was standing there half naked, and with a huge grin finishing the cake.

When he turned around after pushing the cake in the oven, Fili was hit with only one thought, he loved him. He loved his wide grin, he loved his hair and the smell of his skin. Those weeks together bonded them so strongly that Fili slowly stopped dreaming of his uncle’s cabin. He began dreaming of staying with him.

“Get dressed before he comes!” Fili scolded him with a kiss and sent him to the wardrobe.

\------

Thorin had only visited Kili’s apartment three of four times. Now the place was spotlessly clean. Kili looked horrible, but the spark in his eyes reminded him of the old mischievous teenage Kili.

Kili’s eyes changed when he noticed him, but he just hugged him tightly. Thorin played along, the conversation at lunch light. He glanced at the blond taking care of Kili, to the syringe on the shelf. He heard a lot about him from Dwalin, and he trusted his old mate with his life. This person did more than any therapy earlier, Kili’s manager and they as a family.

Kili was thin beyond reason, but he was resembling the old Kili for once. A spark in his eyes, chatting, clearly happy to see both of them. As they were saying goodbye Kili held him tighter than ever and the quite “I’m sorry for everything...” Gave Thorin hope.

“Will you come and visit?” Kili nearly begged.

“Why don’t you visit them next time?” Fili’s suggested made Kili gaze at him in panic.

Thorin froze seeing the fear appear in Kili’s eyes.

“Do you think I could?” Kili’s reaction was fear and amazement at the same time.

“Yes.” The blond replied calmly.

“I’d love to visit if I’m welcome.” Kili told Bilbo and Thorin slowly.

“You’re always welcome!” Bilbo assured him.


	7. Chapter 7

Later everything changed. A few visits to his family, a few trips out of town to catch some fresh air, and Kili’s anxiety of going out was gone. And using his huge puppy eyes he asked to go out without end.

Soon they sat for a meeting with Kili’s manager Nori, and discussed going to the studio to record the songs Kili wrote.

After that it was crazy. From studio time, to interviews, TV shows, to casting for films. Fili always there easing Kili’s anxiety, but mainly to share the tender smiles.

Fili loved the changing rooms, he loved the special spark he saw in his eyes as he demanded more sex. Sex in the car, sex in the changing room, sex all night. Cooking and sex. Watching films and sex.

He loved sitting back and watching Kili record or rehearse. Giving his all into the music, when he danced it was as if a fairy came to the studio. When he sang Fili could focus only on his voice. Now life was much easier and more difficult at the same time. He had to deal with a lot of people trying to come close to his Kili. He had to deal with a lot of crap, but Kili was worth it. Protecting him was worth it.

And it wasn’t bad to bring him food and coffee, making sure he ate regularly, and holding him tightly at night.

“I got the role!” Kili jumped when Nori called his new number. The old phone number unsafe and too many bad people knew it. So Kili had a new phone with a new number.

“Which one?” Fili asked with a smile. Kili had candidated for quite a few roles in the last weeks.

“The sun rises in the west!” Kili jumped on the sofa enthusiastic. Fili immediately remembered which script it was. A scenario based on a book by Wilbur about a romance in Africa. A married man, meets a daring girl and falls in love madly, leading to a huge tragedy. The scenario was really good.

“That’s great!” Fili nodded. His brain already working hard, a lot of the filming would be in Africa they both needed to get vaccinated.

“We’ll have to go to Africa in two months.” Kili was panicky again.

“Don’t worry I’ll handle everything, you focus on learning the role.” Fili kissed him gently.

“I don’t know what I would do without you.” Kili embraced him tightly.

“I’m not that indispensable!” Fili laughed.

“You saved me...” Kili kissed him just to pull him down on the sofa and straddle his hips. “Promise you’ll stay with me forever!”

“As long as you’ll want me...” Fili gently admitted embracing him with all the love he felt.

\-----

Kili had no idea when the hate turned to gratefulness, and later to tender trepidations in his heart. The blond was his light. His presence was the safety and stability he needed all his life. He felt safe and protected.

As time flew by in hyper speed he needed the blond more and more. He kept feeding him, he kept supporting him. Always there to shield him from the world. To make sure nothing bothered him, and that things went smooth. He was better at organising things than Nori, and he took care of many troublesome issues. Always with a smile and a happy spark in those blue eyes.

His career was finally back on track, the new record coming out just before the end of the filming. The film in Africa seemed the best holiday ever, so he gave it his all.

He loved the warm arms at night, holding him tightly and assuring him his life still had a lot to offer. He loved him, he was his rock and his safe haven.

It was hard to believe it was almost two years now, first difficult months of detox and now working hard on his career. The blond never complained when they needed to get up really early just to arrive at a radio studio, or at the recording studio. He never complained, he was simply always there.

As they landed in Africa, Fili was flooded with memories from Iraq, but he pushed it down. He kept his gun near, knowing that many parts of Africa were pretty dangerous. But so far things went smooth. They got a huge suite in a posh hotel, and the next day the crew met in the hotel conference room.

Fili sat back and watched Kili practising the line with a beautiful red head girl, not really paying mind to what was going on over there. He knew the script by heart, they had practised for a few weeks now, Kili was pretty desperate for a success in the film industry again.

He texted Dwalin, about the safety in Africa, and he slowly catch that the director said they would actually go into the wild for a few days of shooting. Staying in caravans and in the wilderness. Fili’s instincts did not like that at all. If any trouble would happen it would be then.

“Excuse me, are you in the crew?” A shy voice asked him. Fili gazed at shy blond girl.

He pointed to his tag. “I’m just a body guard.”

“Oh” She looked puzzled and gazed at the scene. “I’m Eowyn, I work on make-up and hairstyles.”

“A pleasure to meet you.” Fili nodded, knowing the crew was probably a lot of people.

She seemed a bit out of place. “It’s your first film?” He asked her gently.

“I worked on a few TV programs, but this is my first job on location.” She admitted sitting down. “What about you?” There was kind of desperation when she tried to connect to him.

“I worked for a few stars, so this is not knew for me.” He admitted easily.

She turned out fun and nice, but the glare Kili sent their direction made Fili realise his boy did not like him talking with any girl.

“Sorry, I got to get back to work.” He got up and rushed to Kili.

Kili was angry with him all evening, but when he noticed the blond talk with his Fili again, his anger nearly boiled him.

“So have you ever filmed a sex scene before?” The beautiful red head blushed as she asked the question.

“It’s not really a sex scene.” He just shrugged. The scene would involve them only half undressed and under the covers. A few kissed and the suggestion would be strong enough.

“I’m worried anyway.” She admitted with a spark in her eyes. He liked her, she was witty and fun. And she was proving to be a talented actress. He hoped the film would be as good as it seemed to be.

He hadn’t realised he talked to Tauriel a bit more than he should. That he spent a bit too much time with her, and the more he did, the more the spark in Fili’s eyes began disappearing.

Fili was slowly realizing he engaged a bit too much into his job. He gave a bit too much heart, and when they were preparing to leave the hotel, to go on location, he realised they haven’t had sex since they flew in. Realization hurt a lot, and worry that Kili finally tired of him was drilling his heart.

\-----

Kili was desperately trying to focus on the film and enter the role, but the strong arms around him at night prevented that. Next to him his thoughts were all jumbled up, so one night he decided to stay on the sofa and read the script yet again. He hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep on the sofa, until the blond woke him up reminded him they were leaving to the location.

It hurt so much not to get any kisses and any recognition, the blue eyes cold. They prepared swiftly and set off in one of the cars, Fili driving and the red head sitting with Kili in the back saying they needed more practise.

Fili listened to their voices in the back and focused on the road. Everything hurt him, Kili sleeping on the sofa hurt him. For the first time he realised that now as he was losing the brunet’s favour, working for him might pose a huge problem.

No training, and no endurance, could prepare him for what happened later. The shooting on location was dreadful. Rain on end. The campers small and cramp, even for just the two of them. Fili kept Kili under an umbrella as much as possible, gazing at his slim body with worry as he began coughing.

What he did not predict was that the red head would become obsessed with taking care of Kili. And the pain it would cause to see her in his bed holding his hand tightly.

And what nearly killed him was to catch them actually have sex. He rushed out praying they did not see them, but his heart broke in a billion pieces.

\-----

Kili was sad. Fili avoided talking to him, avoided spending nights with him, sleeping on the narrow bed next to the door.

Fili his light and joy, his sun. Fili his reason to be sober and clean.

And as he was sulking, Tauriel did everything to cheer him up. She talked to him, chatted with him, she held his hand in times of depression. Staying sober was becoming to be very hard, but Kili was too scared to screw up again. With huge difficulty he rejected any drinks, and his mind was off topic.

When Tauriel proposed to practise the kissing scenes and sex scene, he really didn’t feel like it, but deep down he knew they had to. So he agreed, only to realise he made a critical mistake.

For the first time he realised what he saw in the blond’s eyes wasn’t coldness, it was severe pain. And when he saw what he saw, Kili immediately knew what kind of conclusion the blond would make.

He refused to listen to any explanation. The blue eyes full of pain.

“You’re free to make any decision you like.” The blond spoke firmly, a tone Kili hadn’t heard since the beginning.

“Fili...” Kili tried to connect with him, he grabbed his hand desperate to feel any connection.

“I’m just an employee.” Fili brushed his hand off.

“I need you...” Kili begged.

“You’re strong enough on your own.” Fili made him realise. “Just don’t go back on the path of drugs and alcohol and you’ll find happiness.”

“I need you...” Kili repeated.

“It didn’t look like it.” Fili just shrugged and walked out.

He walked a bit away from the camp, and tried to breathe. It was all too difficult to deal with. The emotional toll was too high. He decided to come back as soon as it began getting dark, only to stop and crunch behind a camper.

“We got everyone!” A voice he did not know spoke in Swahili. One of the many languages Fili knew enough to understand. “They did not put up a fight!” The man laughed.

Fili easily spotted the crew gathered in one place, most completely terrorized by the armed men who invaded them. He noticed a few of the other bodyguard and security tied up.

He had no time to think, the only thing on his mind was Kili. Getting to him and protecting him, nothing else mattered in his life.

As one of the men tried to pull him out of the trailer, Kili did not go down without a fight. He wasn’t strong, but strong enough to make it difficult.

Fili calmly said. “Drop the guns!” The told the men in Swahili. At first they were just stunned but soon the leader had an evil smile on his lips.

“You look like a man just making an honest pay as a guard... is serving your employer worth risking your life?” The man asked Fili calmly.

“It’s my job.” Fili replied calmly.

“Well this is mine...” The man told him bluntly.

“Let’s just shoot him!” A cocky man with a rifle said.

“Now that is unwise my friend, because this bodyguard is one who has actually seen death and killed. You can see it in the eyes...” The man mused. “And you’d be dead before you would know what hit you...”

Fili knew this was a dangerous game, but he just had to do it. He had to protect him at any cost, his own life included.

“Drop your weapons.” He calmly repeated.

“Are you that confident you can take us all down?” The man mused, but before he could finish the sentence a bullet hit him in the heart, and soon all four men around him were dead before they could fire back.

Fili felt a gentle tingling, one he knew from the past. He took a bullet in the chest, and as he was falling down looking at Kili’s panicked eyes, his last thought was that it was worth it.


	8. Chapter 8

Kili thought he would die. He really thought so, he drove him all the way to the hospital, made sure he got the best care.

After a few days there the director told him that he understands that his bodyguard saved them all, but firmly he said that Kili had to get back on set.

Dwalin had organised Fili to be transported back to the States, and with a solid security crew he made sure the location and filming was secure. With an aching heart Kili went back to work.

“Is he going to be okay?” He asked the huge man.

“He’s had worse, so just relax.” Dwalin assured him.

\-----

Fili awoke in a hospital room all alone. And as the days passed he realised he was all alone again. All his dreams and hopes shattered. He thought... he hoped... but he was simply wrong. Kili did not love him back. Did not care for him. Not even a fucking phone call. Dwalin said the shooting was coming to an end, and Fili hope he would show up, even only if to say goodbye. But nothing.

Soon he began physiotherapy, learning to walk again, the pain in his spine reminding him what he almost did for the only person he loved. He trained with huge efficiency, but the pain in his heart blended with the pain in his back.

Five months from getting shot, Fili walked out of the hospital more lost than ever in his life, with only one place to go. He praised Dwalin for making sure he got his pay for the time he worked, and the health care, but now it was just him again. And the pain in his back.

Just him. As he gazed at the old derelict cabin. The only place he had any fond memories from his childhood. He could still hear his grandfather’s warm voice, as he sang and chopped wood. The only place where his mother smiled. Later it all went to hell as she discovered that drugs were more interesting than taking care of her son or working.

He gazed at the wooden cabin, and made a decision. He wasn’t going to go back.

\------

The filming took a long time, and Kili was depressed and tired. Dwalin was a good body guard, a friend of his uncle, but he wasn’t Fili. He didn’t care like Fili did.

Tauriel tried to cheer him up, she chatted away, and praised what Fili did to save them all, but she wasn’t Fili.

He had no idea what was going on, as he woke up one day with a huge hangover. One day turned into another and to another.

“Boy! You’re ruining all you have worked so hard for!” Dwalin scolded him firmly and cut him off from all alcohol.

“I don’t care...” Kili growled.

“You have a lot to live for.” Dwalin told him firmly. “A promising career, a family who loves you...”

Kili grimaced and realised he was slipping again, and that’s when Tauriel began watching over him. She formed a silent alliance with Dwalin and she was determined to keep him clean.

Before the film was over she became his best friend.

When they returned to the US, and the paparazzi went crazy with gossip. It hurt Kili to read about the theories of their huge romance on set. He kept dreaming of only one person, but he was too scared to face him. Too ashamed that he was too weak and failed the test.

He accompanied Tauriel to the première and to other promotion events, and before he realised he hadn’t seen Fili for a few months. He hadn’t called, he hadn’t asked Dwalin about him. He was the biggest ass in the world. He tried to ease his own pain with music, but the tears could not stop falling. He screwed the most important thing in his life and there was no going back.

\-----

Fili tried not to go to the town, but from time to time he had to renew his supplies. He tried to make his home self efficient. He began growing his own vegetables, he installed solar panels, and he build a small dam on the river flowing down from the mountains in his lands. He would stop only for things he could not grow himself or find in the vast forest.

He noticed a few women gossiping and watching a TV show. The Oscar ceremony. With pain he saw the camera zoom in on his Kili, in the company of the beautiful red head, and later he jumped happily and rushed to receive his reward. ‘He deserved it.’ Was Fili last though as he packed his shopping.

\------

Kili held the statue with pain, it was all thanks to Fili. If he hadn’t pulled him out of the hell he was in, if he hadn’t helped him, this would not be possible. He wanted to ask about Fili, he knew Dwalin knew Fili well. But the words always went silent on his lips. But somewhere deep inside he grew restless and desperate. He missed him so badly, and hearing by accident that Fili went out of hospital but did not come back to him. He did not come back.

He went away. He abandoned him.

\-----

Bilbo watch the decline of Kili’s spirit with worry, and the more he worried the more he wanted to ease his pain.

“Is it me, or has Fili made it out of hospital?” Bilbo asked Dwalin the first chance he got.

 “He did, but he... he has changed.” Dwalin mumbled.

“In what way?” Bilbo asked curiously.

“He’s depressed, the injury... I doubt he’s ever going to work again.” Dwalin told him. “A life in pain is all that awaits him.”

“Did he receive compensation?” Bilbo asked worried.

“He did not ask for it.” Dwalin grimaced. “I suggested it, but he refused.”

“Do you mind if I talk to him?” Bilbo asked slowly.

“That’s going to be difficult. He decided to cut off from civilization.” Dwalin grimaced even more.

“But he does have an address?” Bilbo asked.

“Not really, only a location.” Dwalin hissed.

“I want that location.” Bilbo demanded firmly.

\------

When Bilbo handed him the note, Kili gazed at it surprised.

“You’re not happy here, perhaps you could try to find your happiness somewhere else?” Bilbo suggested.

Kili folded the piece of paper too stunned to answer.

\------

As fall came around Fili expected a whole lot of things. He wasn’t surprised to get good crops from his garden, he wasn’t surprised his back hurt like hell from chopping all the wood for the winter, or that his basement turned out too small to stuff in all the supplies. He was mildly surprised there was still no snow, despite his predictions about the weather.

He got the surprise of his life when he saw a red sports car stop right in front of his house. He was a bit further away, stashing wood into a shed he built. He stood there stunned, seeing the tall figure with long dark hair.

Kili wanted to rush to him, wanted to embrace him tightly. He was worried with the chances he saw as he walked slowly towards him. He was slimmer and he had less muscle mass. But he was still dead gorgeous.

“Hi!” He said shyly.

“Hi!” Fili replied unsure how to react.

There was a long moment of silence.

“Would you like some lunch?” Fili finally proposed.

“I’d love to.” Kili nodded. “I miss your cooking.”

Fili just smiled hearing that, and guided him inside the house.

“How are you feeling?” He asked Kili slowly. He was slimmer a bit, but his skin looked healthy and his eyes were sane and not dilated.

“I’m good.” Kili nodded.

“Congratulations.” Fili spoke through clenched teeth.

Kili grinned and went back to his car. He knew he was pushing things a bit, but when he carried in his bags the blond did not say anything. He just glared. He glared even more when Kili pulled out his Oscar and set it on the mantelpiece over the huge fireplace.

“Looks great here.” Kili mused. “I didn’t have the chance to thank you.”

“For what?” Fili asked.

“For saving my life.” Kili answered. “Carbonara?” He asked with a huge smile gazing at the dish.

“It’s still my favourite.” Fili admitted.

“Same as mine.” Kili smiled.

“Are you staying long?” Fili mused looking at the bag on the floor.

“Not sure yet. Depends.” Kili smiled.

“From what?”Fili asked.

“Do you have any drugs here or alcohol?” Kili asked coyly.

“Not a trace of both.” Fili declared.

“So as long as you don’t have any I’m staying.” Kili smiled.

“What about your career?” Fili shrugged pretending he did not care.

“My career went fine despite my half a year absence so it will manage with being stuck here all winter.” Kili decided to lay his cards on the table.

“What will your girlfriend say?” Fili hissed with spite.

“My best friend said I was too depressed to bear and she forced me to pack and just come here.” Kili confessed. “She said she might visit when the snow melts.”

“The snow?” Fili asked.

Kili just pointed to the window. “I honestly hope it will fall so heavily that my car won’t be able to go anywhere and you’ll have to take me in... and give me shelter.”

Fili laughed at that, and was silenced with soft tender lips.

“I missed you...” Kili confessed.

“Then why did you force me to wait so long?” Fili asked slowly.

“My brain must have melted away from all the drugs I took in the past... you know brain damage?” Kili joked sitting in his lap.

“I missed you too...” Fili gently embraced him.


	9. Chapter 9

Tauriel was singing all the way, as she drove the state road. Later she sang even louder when she reached the forest line. Her SUV easily made its way up the hill and into the secluded area. She whistled seeing the beautiful house in the middle of the forest with a beautiful view.

“Did you freeze to death in there?” She laughed and barged in the door after a loud knock.

“Tauriel?” Kili’s happy voice brought her outside.

“What in Mahal’s name are you doing?” She noticed he was tired and sweaty, and he had much more muscle mass.

“What does it look like? I’m chopping wood!” Kili continued working.

“Where is your boyfriend?” Tauriel grinned.

“Hunting.” Kili smiled.

“So I better not greet you properly... you stink anyway.” She cringed her beautiful nose.

When Fili came home with a fresh hare, Tauriel at first scowled seeing him get the animal ready, and later nearly fainted as he skinned it.

“So what are you doing to make of that?” Tauriel asked.

“I’m cooking tonight!” Kili smiled.

“I’m glad to see you happy for a chance.” She smiled at him. “I never got the chance to properly thank you.” She turned to Fili.

“I didn’t do it for you.” He told her honestly.

“I know.” She smiled. “You did it for him.”

“So how long are you staying?” Fili asked suspiciously.

“I’m only here to make sure you’re both happy.” Tauriel grinned. “So are you happy?”

“Like fuck. So don’t think your stupid ideas are going to ruin it this time!” Kili pointed his finger at her.

“No more sex scenes to rehearse!” She laughed coyly. “Nori sends in a few offers...” she pulled some papers from her bag. “And Dwalin says he can look after the house if you decide to take them.”

“We’ll consider it.” Fili told her sternly still suspicious of her intentions.

“Don’t worry he’s all yours...” She grinned happily and began chopping vegetables for the rabbit stew.

The End


End file.
